Today is a rainy gray day and although some people find it to be depressing I find it an atmosphere where I can reflect. Why did I title this with a question mark one might ask but for me it is a question. We are always hearing about how we should meditate and channel peace, be grounded, releasing, relaxing etc. A time to be mindful of our emotions/feelings. For me that is very difficult to do. Not because I have ADHD and mind wanders, but because it frustrates me to think about things that have created strong feelings and I have this self imposed expectation I am supposed to let things go. I can’t.

So much has happened in my life over the past 2 years. It will be 2 years on Friday since we lost my mother in law. A woman who was the heart of the family and a death we are all still struggling from. After she passed I knew that the weight on my shoulders was going to grow heavy at times, but I didn’t mind because my family needed me, including my brother in law and especially my father in law. But I never expected how challenging the next 1.5 years was going to be overall. Since then the following has occured and each event has it’s own story to tell. Helped my bil open his business and continue to assist him with his business office work; fil sold his condo>we moved him to independent living > he fell and broke his femur & wrist>had surgery>went to skilled care for rehab>we moved him to assisted living>returned to assisted living only to get an infection and be sent back to the hospital>a minimum of 5 hospital stays total in 6 months>back to skilled care for medical care>returned to assisted living>died within 2 weeks of being there; business partner decided to leave and pursue a new career>we took on the business and debt>due to Covid clients retired so the business took a financial hit as lower production>we decided to close the business>sold the building and paid on the company debt>husband took a new job where he was to be trained to replace a friend who was retiring>he wasn’t trained thus the day after Christmas he was let go because he didn’t bring enough money with his clients to create enough of a profit for his boss, nothing he did wrong>friend knew about and didn’t reach out to my husband (a sense of betrayal)>unemployment>husband took a new job (where respected)>All of this led to financial difficulties and strains>I moved to a new position in my place of employment>a positive but none the less a transition>my boss retired so I have had to learn and adapt to a new boss with higher expectations; my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease and slowly declining>my mom trying to insert herself and her opinions into my life and that of my family>mom struggling with acceptance of her age and the changes it comes with>testing of my strength and patience; Etc. Etc.

So really meditation and mindfulness are supposed to help with all of the churning inside of my mind and effects on my physical well being?? Many would say to add religion into the mix too. I am a religious person but I haven’t had the strength to go to church and sometimes faith and hope are hard to find when it feels like you live in the what next, what shit is going to happen mind frame. I often look up at the cross on top of the church across the street and pray because I don’t feel a person needs to “go to church” to be with God and Christ, I know they are always with me. I would call those moments peaceful.

I don’t know what is coming next, none of us do, and that is a good thing or we would never get up and live. Here is what I know. I am mindful of all the stressors in my life and the tough cards I have been given right now in my life. I am a strong person, a survivor so I will continue to walk forward knowing that these challenges are only moments in my life, a life filled with love, support, family and friends. I am mindful of everything in my life. Would meditation help, maybe. So I will whip out my gratitude journal my sister gave me, go to the gym and do yoga, find peace in moments of silence and most of all give myself some grace. Focusing on the moment I am in a bit more and giving thanks for the good in my life. Will I meditate….who knows if I will attain what I believe meditation is and it’s purpose, but yes I will try and try again. It’s a qwest for me one I will continue to seek.

Today my thoughts are on mental health/depression. I found out a sister of a friend committed suicide. My heart is aching for them all. When I hear of these times in others lives I start thinking about mine. Depression and Anxiety are very much a part of my life, parents, siblings, spouse, nephews and daughters. So when these situations arise it hits close to home and I count my blessings that no one has ever acted on suicide ideations in my family.

Have you ever listened to the Dear Evan Hanson soundtrack? When it originally came out my daughter Grace could hardly wait for me to hear it. Of course like busy moms do I said I’d like to but didn’t have time. Then 1 car to an event she put it on because I was feeling stressed and she knew “Does Anybody Have a Map” was what I needed to hear at that moment. She was right. Being a parent is by far the most rewarding but also the most challenging responsibility I have in my life. I grew up wanting nothing more than to be a wife and mother and lucky me I am both. What you don’t realize is the struggles that come with being a parent. I’m not talking about the day to day struggles but the deep personal struggles. This is the struggle of my daughter.

When Grace was born I couldn’t help but call her our sweet Grace. It was just who she was and remains to this day. She has always been a deep thinker, and until the last 5 years or so she masked her feelings and thoughts. Pleasing others meant everything to her because she wanted people in her life to be happy. But it came at a cost to her. There is something about the fear and worry a parent feels when a child’s emotions are out of their control. So where to start. Please keep in mind this is just one story, one thought, one piece of my beautiful loving daughter.

When Grace was a little girl you could always see the wheels turning in her mind. Her older sister was very busy and had ADHD. Grace learned very early that instead of trying to get a toy from Abby all she had to do was watch and wait for her to lose interest. Then it was all hers. I can recall Grace at the age of 2 watching Abby open all of her birthday presents, fun new fun toys. As the party continued with family we realized we hadn’t seen Grace for a bit. Mark and I went on the search and found her under the dining room table playing with Abby’s new toys in silence. Of course we just let her be as she was happy exploring and playing she didn’t need to be disturbed. Again a sweet girl doing her thing. I miss her at this stage in life…I wish I could just pick her up and cuddle her quietly in my arms with her head on shoulder with no cares in the world for just a moment.

The thing about Grace is that her heart was/is very big too. She genuinely wanted to please others and make them happy. So creating waves was not who she was/is. She was the middle child with two sisters who were busy and needy of her time and affection. She is an Irish twin with her younger sister Anna. They were inseparable always…our tootsie pops. The Princess and the Pauper – Barbie costumes for Halloween. Care to guess who was the Pauper? Whatever made Anna happy. I often wonder if I was the best mom I could be for her because I was so busy with 3 daughters under 3 years old and on and on. I was pulled in so many directions. But I know I did the best I could. She would tell you I was the best mom and still am.

Grace was diagnosed in Kindergarten with Dyslexia and ADD. The ADD was not with hyperactivity. She needed medication to help her focus and learn with her Dyslexia and Dyscalculia. Her Kindergarten teacher went on maternity leave and when she returned she realized Grace wasn’t remembering anything from the 1st half of the school year as they were trying to pull together everything from the 1st and 2nd trimester and I had a pit in my stomach but so grateful to her teacher. Cindy had never tutored a student before but offered to work with Grace over the summer. Of course I accepted. Grace thought it was awesome she got her all to herself and got to see the baby. We watched her make so much progress and felt good about her entering 1st grade.

By 2nd grade Grace had made amazing progress, to the point of the school discharging her from reading assistance. Again a different story for a different time, but a huge mistake. One day she came home from school with tears in her eyes. She didn’t want to be a tattle tale but there was a special needs student who was hitting Grace’s glasses off her face on the playground and also cornering her in the bathroom. Grace was locking herself in the stall when A would come in so she wasn’t bullied. I was horrified. My sweet daughter was taught how to treat kids with special needs with kindness and she didn’t want to upset her so she kept it to herself. Well the next day Grace and I went in to talk to the teacher who was just as upset as I was because she didn’t realize it was occurring. The school immediately dealt with and the resource teacher dealt directly with A. She knew right from wrong and the behavior was not ok. But after weeks of it occurring Grace’s heart could take no more and her tears came pouring out.

The years passed and in upper elementary Abby introduced her to C, a younger sister to her bff. Looking back this was not a healthy friendship for Grace and her mental health. C’s parents were going through a divorce due to her dad’s gambling problem and C suffered from depression. (Later it was determined she was bi-polar) C spent so many nights and days at our house because she needed us and we were there. Grace helped her when she bottomed out from her depression needing hospitalization multiple times. She would text and call Grace to calm her down and help her. This went on for 3 years. Of course I thought we were doing the right thing supporting her, it was in my nature to help. But I lost track of Grace’s struggles during this time. I’d listen but not hear how all of this was effecting her inside mentally. Well ultimately the older sisters had a falling out and her’s called Grace and told her C never wanted to talk to her again, their friendship was over. Grace was already taking antidepressants at this time as she was struggling with all of life’s changes. Then to lose her bff and not know what she did haunted her for weeks and months. I watched her question herself, second guessing all her actions, words, questioning what she did wrong and why this was happening to her. There were moments filled with tears and moments of anger before there was just acceptance. Life moved on.

As Grace entered her senior year in high school her anxiety and depression were a daily struggle. She came to me and asked if she could get a cat. I was in support as her therapist recommended as an emotional support animal. Her dad was 100% against and at the time it nearly caused him to divorce me, truly. He was so angry at Grace for texting him her feelings and why she felt she needed a cat emotionally which although was true was not ok with him. He felt he was being cornered about the cat. And as I am the one who told her to text him I had caused the problem. But it was not ok and I made sure he knew it too. There was no doubt she was going to get a cat. 24 hrs. later Grace, Anna, my bff Tami and I were visiting two cat shelters. She fell in love with the “cuddly” cat however it was already spoken for. She had met many cats and had decided she was not interested in “Boris” who I thought was the perfect cat. He was not quite a year old but she was sure she wanted a kitten. So back we went the next day. Again she thought she wanted a different cat. Then she realized this adorable boy, “Boris” was in the window watching everything she was doing, as if trying to say it’s me you want. She sat down with him and realized mom was right he was the cat for her. He loved her from the go. So after a visit to our home we adopted Boris who became Harold immediately. He became her constant companion, her baby. He gave her the affection she was needing and something to love and care for. He calmed her nerves, fears and anxiety which was at an all time high. Her depression lessened and I cried. He was what her soul needed.

High school ended in May of 2018 and Grace was preparing for college. Yes, with Harold. He had been registered as and emotional support animal and with documentation from her therapist Harold was on his way to college with Grace. Three days after we moved Grace in to the dorm the call came. Mom I need you to come I don’t think I can do this. I got in the car and headed out. We went to her room which was a double single due to Harold and she broke down in tears. The fear of failure and uncertainly had come to a head. We just laid on her bed and I held her while she cried. “Mom I think I am going to have to drop out and just work at McDonalds.” Uh no. After a few minutes I told her I believed in her and I knew in my heart she was going to be fine. She was supported by the Learning Center and she was meeting new friends already. She just needed to believe in herself. We went out bought a printer and 2 organizers/calendars, one for daily use and one for the semester with due dates from syllabi. I told her to focus on 1 day at a time, 1 task at a time. She was more than ready and capable she just needed to believe in herself.

Grace was never really good at consistently taking her medication but at this stage in her life it was needed and necessary. In order to succeed without fear and anxiety it was a must. But it was a battle that she fought daily with herself. She knew she needed but “dangit why I’m doing better and if I forget it’s ok.” The battle was real and the cycle was ever repeating itself. A year and 1/2 later the college closed and Grace moved home due to COVID. Like many young people COVID forced Grace to be quarantined at home. Luckily we are a strong family unit. But not being able to socialize and see others was difficult. Add attending college classes online and trying to get the help you needed with your learning disabilities. I cannot stress enough how lucky she was to be at a college that valued their students and their success. As with others our life became 1 day at a time.

In August 2020 Grace returned to college with Harold. She was masked up and ready for whatever the year held. Still living with fear of getting COVID she was coping and living the best life she could at the time. Then it hit. November 2022 the 4 of us living at home got COVID. As Grace was home the weekend before we were diagnosed she came home to be tested. The doctor called to let her know she was positive too so she and Harold came home for the remainder of the semester and break. The only problem was the hospital called to tell her she was negative but now she had been fully exposed, kisses and all by us. Quarantining in her room was a must and 3 more tests awaited her. She never was positive. But the isolation in her bedroom was tough. She wanted to be out in the house with all of us. Finally the 10th day came and she was again out and about. However, our chocolate lab, Cocoa, became sick and died. We believe she had a stroke. Just another loss in her life during a time of struggle. As for many her life, our lives became 1 day at a time with just surviving and holding on to hope for the day it all was a memory. Did you know that suicide went up in young people do to COVID? So many young people struggled and continue to struggle with depression and anxiety after the pandemic.

The spring semester began and Grace returned to school. Only now she as all of us were getting vaccination shots and feeling hopeful. But then a situation we never could have seen coming happened. Grace was in a class of 5 students and the professor stated he heard one of them had said derogatory things to professors from the Sociology department and he stated that he was upset because he worked hard to develop those connections. The issue was Grace was the only one in both of those departments so she knew he was referring to her. She started hyperventilating and went out in the hallway having an anxiety attack. Also she never said anything regarding him personally that had any impact on those connections. He took the conversation out of context. But it was too late now she was in crisis. Her mask was saturated in tears and snot and she was trying to catch her breath when a fellow student came out to check on her. The professor came out in the hallway and told her it was ok and that she needed to come back in and lead the discussion she was in charge of that day. So saturated mask and still not fully recovered she went in and lead the discussion. Her fellow students were stunned she did it. The professor gave her a B for the task. Then after class he stopped her and told her it was ok but now she knows words have consequences. It sent her back into a tailspin. She went directly to the Sociology department to talk to the professor she knew made the comment. But her classmate beat her there and had already explained the situation. The professor was just sick about it as she told Grace there was nothing negative that was said and certainly nothing that would prompt the response she received. She was appalled. She gave Grace a new mask and allowed her to cry. By the next day though Grace had fallen in to a deep depression and her anxiety was controlling her thoughts and actions. She couldn’t function. So she came home two days early for spring break. Her advisor was off so she couldn’t be reached to explain what was happening. However by the weekend she reached out to Grace as she too was appalled. All Grace knew was that she couldn’t walk back in to that class and couldn’t have him as a professor again. Just the thought of him sent her into another anxiety attack.

Now mom was not handling this well because I saw her falling in the darkest hole I have ever seen. I wrote to the adviser and to the Sociology professor. I explained Grace told everyone she could do the course online with the professor but emotionally that wasn’t possible. She was trying to make it easier for everyone. The head of the department called her and they arranged for Grace to have another professor finish out the course with her. I think what made me most sad about the situation was the professor who did this knew Grace from a school program she was involved in and knew she suffered from Anxiety. It was the disconnect as if he didn’t get it. Before the week was out I approved the advisor forwarding my emails on to the dean in charge of faculty. She called me directly and apologized on behalf of the school. She acknowledged there was no excuse for what had occurred. Although they could not elaborate she did assure me that the faculty member was being dealt with so that this didn’t occur in the future. She told me he honestly didn’t understand the gravity of the situation and what damage had been caused to Grace personally. Which I have no doubt was true.

So why do I bring this up. Because this was the moment I realized my sweet Grace was one step away from suicide. Her depression was the worst it had ever been as was her anxiety. She was in a dark place just trying to survive minute to minute. The school was contacted and they allowed her to finish her classes remotely via zoom. So we moved her home. Between her therapist and psychiatrist who oversees her medication changes were made and she began to heal. Several times I day I just checked in to see how she was. Do to COVID I was still working remotely and I felt so lucky. I have felt scared in my life but this was the most I had ever feared of losing my daughter. Here was my sweet Grace just fighting to move on and being unable to do so. The tears, the hyperventilating, excessive sleeping or inability to sleep, inability to take care of her personal needs and isolating by choice. There are no words to define what it feels like to feel so helpless. But I knew I had to do something. So I communicated with the school her progress, communicated with the Psychiatrist, oversaw her medications, and showered her with love…hugs and cuddles. Thank god for Harold. He knew her and knew she wasn’t well. He would wonder a bit but really spent his days where-ever she was snuggling or just being present. So how did this effect her semester? Well she continued her courses and made the Deans List. Was I surprised….yes and no. There were moments I wasn’t sure she wouldn’t need to take incompletes in her classes. But then I knew she was proud and determined to do well in school, it mattered to her. She wanted to please them but most importantly she wanted to please herself.

As summer came Grace was doing better and I was feeling relieved we made it through. She started summer school but determined she wasn’t mentally able to do so withdrew from the session. We planned for the fall and the move back to campus. All of her core faculty, the college and department heads were in her corner. They supported her request to not have him as a professor moving forward understanding just the sight of him caused extreme anxiety. He wanted to apologize and meet with her but she drew the line. I was proud of her. She did what was in her best interest she didn’t try to concern herself with what he wanted…she wasn’t the pleaser. Now as her mom my heart was torn when we moved her back. Technically she was living in a house with friends now (in her own room with Harold) but it didn’t matter. What I did know was that her friends loved her and were there for her. And they knew how to reach Mama Whittaker anytime there was a need or a concern.

Since that time Grace has had a few more moments that worried me with her anxiety but that was due to medication and slipping back in to the old habit of not taking it correctly. But the school was supportive and her friends were there for her when I couldn’t be. Did I worry? Absolutely! Will I always worry? Yes! But that is what moms do. Grace has graduated from college and has been accepted to graduate school. My mind relives this time in our lives and I give thanks for Grace’s internal strength.

Grace you will read this and I want you to know how very proud I am of you and how proud I am to be your mom. I will always worry about you but I know you are a survivor. I know longer worry about losing you to depression and anxiety. You may sometimes lose yourself but you are a survivor. You have grown and learned that it isn’t your disabilities that define you. Not your dyslexia/dyscalculia or depression and anxiety. They are obstacles you face but you are so much more. You will always be my sweet Grace. The quiet little girl who just wanted everyone to be happy. How blessed the world is to have you in it. I have no doubt your friends see you as a true blessing. Not your goofy jokes or silly dancing but truly you, Grace Elizabeth. I know your parents, grandparents and sisters do. That is why it is so hard for your sister to share you with others. I Love You!!

For you the reader. Give those in your lives some grace. No one of knows the struggles others are facing. Much of the time the struggles they are fighting are internal, they are personal. Here is what I know. Don’t just say be kind show it to always. A smile, a kind word, a thank you, a hello or how are you are small ways of showing and saying someone cares…I care.

Life is complicated but the one person that loves us through it all most is our mom.  This month has been filled with joy and sorrow for me, as a mother, daughter and daughter-in-law.  Where to begin…..

My daughters:  I don’t think there could be a mom more proud of her children then I am.  My oldest daughter came to us a month ago to let us know she had applied for a scholarship to study abroad this spring in Japan.  The mother in me was excited for her and at the same time dealing with a pit in her stomach.  That is such a hot spot in the world right now.  But she received the scholarship and will be heading for Japan from the end of March to the beginning of August.  The pride outweighs the fear.  But bring on the chaos….paperwork and more paperwork…lol.  And in a week she moves back home for 3 months, which seems very very strange.  But she returns with a stellar semester behind her and one last hoorah with her mom….me.  It has hit me that when she returns she will dive in and finish school.  My time with her will have come to an end….she will have officially left the nest.

My middle daughter received her class ring and we received her senior pictures.  She is such a beautiful person inside and out.  But when did she grow up?  She received her acceptance to college and is set for next year….wow!  As for me I am going to cherish these final few months with her before she is 18 and ready to start spreading her wings.

My baby is the never ending smile I need in my life.  Does she try my patience….absolutely.  But the smiles far out weigh the trying moments.  When my days are long there is always a snap chat waiting to be opened with a silly and/or beautiful smile.  We start cheer season again this weekend….lord help me as I enter the world of cheer moms again…lol.  But I am so proud of her accomplishments and ready for the new season and all it holds.

My mother:  Well still no knee surgery.  It is so hard to watch her pain and not want to make it go away.  But life has a way of happening.  This month she was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer.  Within 5 days of her diagnosis she had surgery which was successful.  Thank god….  She will now begin 3 weeks of radiation treatment.  The day of her surgery my sister and I were there with her and my dad.  Very few times in my life do I recall seeing her scared, and this vibrant woman I know looked so vulnerable, as a child in a senior body.  It reminded me that I need to appreciate her just a bit more because my time with her is dwindling away.  I may not be able to do much but I can remind her how much she is loved!  I have the wonderful memories we have shared.  And no our path hasn’t always been smooth, but no path ever is straight.  All I know is that I am going to spend the time we have left reminding her how much she is loved and how grateful I am for her.

My mother-in-law:  Thanksgiving morning my mother-in-law fell on her way to Thanksgiving dinner.  We rushed to the hospital where we were informed she fractured her Humerus in 2 places and a crack in another place.  We got her home with a sling, but were faced with her having episodes of passing out.  Finally after 4 more episodes back to the hospital we went.  Of course she was admitted, treated for dehydration and her blood pressure continued to drop.  But no real answers when she was discharged 2 days later.  So now home health is in helping her shower and assisting her 4 hours a week.  Here again is a woman I love beyond words.  When it comes to mother-in-laws I truly have the best.  A strong German Catholic woman who has made it her goal never to be in our business, almost to a fault.  It hasn’t been easy seeing her so weak.  A mother of 3 boys who was beyond thrilled to have granddaughters.  She has always kept her feelings to herself and hasn’t been much of a talker, but now she is letting herself go.  She accepts the help I can provide and has opened herself up to me.  A blessing for me…..for the first time in almost 30 years she said she loved me.  My heart smiled.  God knows I love her!!

So here I am, a mother, daughter and  daughter-in-law.  What I have realized is that I am strong, even when I feel like I can barely catch my breathe.  I am also one of the lucky ones.  I have been surrounded by women that  were fantastic roll models and I have raised strong independent girls.   I don’t know how the next few weeks are going to go let alone today.  I must give myself a break from being strong and recognize too that I am entitled to embrace all of the emotions that I am feeling.  I am blessed in all of my roles.  But recognizing life takes it’s toll is ok…..and tomorrow will bring a new day.  So I journey on.

So, my girls call me Beverly, as in Beverly from The Goldbergs.  I have come to love and embrace being Beverly in their eyes.  I mean isn’t that what moms are supposed to act like…..putting their children above anyone else.  Pretending they are perfect even when they aren’t….lol.  As school gets ready to start again I am gearing up to become full Beverly.

When you have children you think oh they are perfect and in your eyes that never changes.  But what you don’t realize is that sometimes there are unexpected challenges and curve balls.  Mine came when my children hit preschool.  What  do you mean it’s not ok that my daughter only knows 13 of her ABCs, isn’t that what school is for??  So you were concerned when the first one only knew 13 but weren’t when the 2nd knew 9??  And the 3rd well I can’t even remember….lol.  Beverly has taken over now for Twanda.

What the world needs is great teachers.  Once actual school started I was blessed to have a Kindergarten teacher that was tuned in.  Tuned in enough to recognize something was up with their learning.  Yes, my girls have learning disabilities and guess what I am going to channel everything I have in to making sure they succeed!!  And they have!!!  Why do I bring this up…..we are now focusing on college for daughter #2, Grace and people for some reason think their opinion matters to me, ok family does.

Since when did it become ok to discuss what college is best for my children?  It didn’t!!  Here is what I know…..I have 3 girls who despite their learning disabilities have always succeeded in school.  The oldest was one of the top in her class & a 4.0 student in college, the middle is a successful A/B student, and the 3rd strives for a 4.0 every tri and almost always manages it.  It has never been a question that my girls will go to college, ever, if that is what they want (ok even if they didn’t…lol).   But I am not unrealistic.  My girls will need to go to smaller colleges so they will get the assistance needed to be successful, which means private school.

After scholarships, and an endowment over 1/2 of Abby’s tuition is covered, bringing the cost of her college to that of a state school without financial aid.  My daughter Grace is still trying to see what school fits her needs best but no matter where she goes there will be scholarships based on her GPA and ACT score available to her.  Anna has 1 more year after this to figure out her plan, but she is thinking about Real Estate and is wanting to go the Community College to still get her degree.  But who knows that could change tomorrow. 🙂  But for some reason recently family has decided to share their opinions on the matter.

No we are not rich and yes our kids do have to take out student loans, but we will not leave them the burden of paying them off alone.  We have co-signed the loans and will do so in the future.  We will also be assisting with paying them back, we will share the load.  But what does that matter to anyone but us?  Talking to my girls about the financial strain on us of them going to private college and for that matter talking to me about it, is not ok.  I have explained this on numerous occasions and the logic to the decision.  What matters most is that my children study in college and become what they want to….follow their dreams.  Money takes care of itself.

I haven’t decided how to handle this yet but I am putting my Beverly in check (which is something new for myself and my family)as we move through this stage when it comes to family.  I am torn because I recognize the genuine concern but only need 1 thing…support.  I am going to have to continue thinking and move from there.  I will update in the future once I figure it out or go full Beverly….lol.  After all isn’t that what mom’s are supposed to be and do???

I recognize my thoughts are obviously all over on this but that is because I am sorting through my direction, thoughts and feelings.  But there is 1 thing I know trumps everything….my love for my 3 girls!

So today I write just because I need to release all of the thoughts I am having.  A week ago my mom was supposed to have a knee replacement but due to antibiotics it was postponed.  She scheduled it now for the day before I leave on vacation.  Is this a big deal, probably not, but one I find myself struggling with.  I asked her and my dad if they could pick another day as if anything goes wrong I will be out of state and won’t be back.  This is also a trip that is an extended family trip with my husband’s side which has been in the works for 7 months.  And let me preface due to health reasons this will be the last time we can do this with them.  I understand that she is in pain and needs the surgery, but also that she needed it 5-10 years ago.  She has also planned an 80th birthday party for my dad 2 weeks after the planned surgery.  Sigh…….  Am I a bit stressed out yes.

So, how to proceed.  I have decided that there is no right thing I can say or do in this situation.  This situation just plain old sucks, and I cannot win.  But it isn’t just me I am thinking about.  If something goes wrong what will this do to my girls.  Their father has made it clear that we will not be going home if something happens, not because he is mean but because there would be nothing we could do.  My sister teased me and said, “No worries we will have the funeral and then put her on your mantle to haunt you”.  She was just trying to make me lighten up a bit and I did smile.  So this is what I did.  I went home to visit.  I spent some time with my mom and she made it very clear she understands the circumstances, loves me and wants me to go without guilt or worry.  Is that possible?  I guess I will see.  My 2 younger daughters are heading there to spend a week prior to the surgery which I am grateful for.  They will have time with their grandparents and be able to help my parents get things at the house ready for when she comes home.  This time is not only important for my parents but for my children.

Meanwhile I am struggling with 3 strong willed teenage daughters while personally starting my journey through Menopause.  lol  I remember when this happened to my mom and thought whoa, who is this person…lol.  But here is what I am learning…..  I am still me, I am just changing and so is my family.  The challenges of smaller children is often exhausting and I have always said each phase has it’s challenges and joys.  But I couldn’t have imagined teenagers, although I do remember how I was…lol.  The tone in a teenage girl can change on the dime and just when I think I have got it figured out…boom.  Is this a bad thing, no, but is it a bit trying and stressful…..YES!

But here is what I do know.   I love my family!  I am learning as I near 50 that I cannot be everything to everyone, although I would like to be.  And that is where the fear, sadness, disappointment, anger, panic, etc. comes from.  I was raised that a daughter, wife, mother needed to take care of her family 1st, herself 2nd.  Now my mom will admit she wishes she had taught us differently because if you don’t take care of yourself you cannot take care of others.  I often wonder if I am teaching my daughters it’s ok to take care of you first, life will take care of itself, and you cannot control what is unknown.  As for me…..I am trying to focus on the smiles, laughter, joy, love, etc. and remember that is what is most important.

I write this for myself with the thought that I am not the only one facing these challenges.  And this too shall pass.  And at the end of the day……it’s all good, it’s just another phase in my journey.

There are so many tails of my mom and dad I do not know where to start, but this past weekend was a classic.  I received a text message from my nearly 80 year old mom who saw that my daughter had put a pride frame around her FB profile picture, like just about everyone.  Abby is 19 and although has only dated boys she considers herself bi-sexual because she believes in love of a person not a gender, however has not dated another female.  Why does it matter, well it doesn’t except in context.  I wake on on Friday to this text:

“Beautiful picture of Abby.  With the PRIDE sign does that mean she is officially announcing she’s a lesbian?  Just wondering as we don’t know all the processes.  Love you, mom.”

Ok, I admit it I laughed out loud.  Here they are trying so hard to understand and be accepting and it made my heart smile just a bit more.  So I reached out to my sisters to share in the moment and am told that my dad called them both to ask the same question.  Ok, now I am really smiling and laughing.  Then of course I shared with Abby who had the same reaction as the rest of us, as did my other 2 daughters.

As I thought about this over the weekend I realized a couple of things.  I truly am dealing with very different generations right now in my life.  Liberal daughters who have grown up in a very liberal, accepting community, where most of their best friends are members of the LGBTQ community.  They have grown up not even giving pause to what their friends sexuality preference is because it never mattered.  Grace had 2 years where her slumber party for her birthday consisted of a lesbian, transgender and gay friend.  Her comment to me at the time, “mom it’s awfully hard to be Hetero these days…sigh.”  lol  Then I have these lovely parents who came from the generation of the 50’s where the LGBTQ community was very closed and they didn’t know anyone in HS who was open.  But they want to be accepting and understanding, which I think is wonderful.  They are trying so hard to understand the world my children live in, which isn’t always easy in an Iowa town.  I mean hey we have come a long way from my marrying a Catholic….OMG!  lol

This is PRIDE month and I am celebrating.  I am celebrating that I have a family who loves each other and others not because of how they identify themselves but for who they are as individuals.  I am proud of my parents and I am proud of my daughters….

Growing up there was absolutely no way I would have been a cheerleader, and my siblings find it absolutely ironic that I am just that.  Give me band, choir, tennis and I am all over it, but cheer???  So I find myself evaluating this whole adventure as I start year 5 with my 3rd daughter, Anna this week.  Here is what I have decided, this is nuts!!!  Hahaha!  And the people are the nuttiest part!!  lol

Anna started cheer because she needed an activity as the youngest child where she felt accomplished.  Ok, she wanted medals and more medals and more medals.  Ha..  And after her 1st year she was hooked.  The bling, the purple team color (her favorite), the pride and sense of accomplishment it brings her, the friendships, and other things I do not understand but support.  There is something about working hard then competition day arriving getting up there in all the glittery make up and teased, curled or bumped hair and showing off the smiles and sass while putting it all out there for the judges for 2 1/2 minutes.

By this time mom is mentally and physically exhausted.  The adrenaline is flowing as we get up early to undo the curlers or try to poof the front of the hair while all the while trying not to short out.  I have done more hair in the last 5 years than I ever did.  I am your plain Jane mom who never was all about the make up and hair.  (Contrary to my mom’s wishes…lol)  Then it’s applying glue and glitter make up to the eyes and bright pink lipstick without using to many make up wipes to clean up all the glitter everywhere else.  Then rushing off to the venue to spend $20 on a ticket for a 2 1/2 minute performance and at the max with awards 2 hours of your day.  But after those 2 1/2 minutes there is only 1 thing you want…..your daughter’s team to win or at least do well.  And you find yourself looking forward to seeing the medals and trophies, but most of all the pride on the face of your daughter.  OMG I still cannot believe this is my world…lol.

This past season was a new one for me.  I found myself angry and frustrated for various reasons with the organization and coaching, so dove in head first trying to get it all figured out.  Did it take some time and back and forth, yes, but was it worth it…..I believe so.  But what happened recently left me speechless, ok until now.  Several parents I have known for 4 years decided they had had enough and were leaving the program.  They made it very clear they were not happy with the coach and the direction of the team.  I understood.  But by the end of the season I wasn’t sure who the children were anymore.  It was like Junior High all over again.  Too much to detail and quite frankly still processing this whole thing.  Definitely another post…ha.

Anna’s team made it to the D2 Summit in Orlando, FL. last month and it was truly an experience.  Watching these cheer moms (and dads) dressing up acting like divas when I knew they were no more a diva than me….it is a culture.  My eyes were bugged out the whole week…lol.  Anna was required to be with the team for the whole week so Grace came with me and we enjoyed Disney together.  What was sad for me was that Anna enjoyed moments but really it wasn’t all she had hoped for.  I think I will save that for another story.  The purpose of mentioning this is because of the result.  Here we are sitting at the ESPN venue waiting for our girls 2 1/2 minutes to show all of their hard work and sacrifice over the past year, one of the top 17 teams in the country in their Small Gym.  Then the moment comes………..

Anna had struggled all week with a stunt which she based.  All season she was holding her flier by the leg and the coach told her a week before she needed to hold her foot not the leg (although they wouldn’t lose points).  But it was going to be hit or miss and on this day it was a miss.  She didn’t drop her to the floor but didn’t fully complete the catch and it was counted as a fall.  We knew we wouldn’t make the finals.  To see my daughter come down the tunnel and break out in tears was heart wrenching.  She knew although this is a team sport, she made a mistake.  But the reality is they all have at 1 time or another, only the stage was the elite and the weight was heavy.  But what I hadn’t expected was the reaction of the parents and coach.  The coach told Anna if she had made the catch they would have made the finals, only 2 parents told her it was ok, and the rest just just ignored having to talk to me because, yes they blamed my daughter in that moment.  She had 4 teammates who came over and were immediately supportive the rest said nothing.  All I could think was wow…..  Two days earlier they were all talking about returning, after all the girls have been together for 3 -4 years.  But now it was time to bail for a different program where they will be successful.  This mom was pissed and sad.

Which brings me to now….season 5.  5 returning girls on the team, none of whom ever considered leaving for a “better team” and 3 new members.  Yes we are now a smaller team by 1, but hey it’s ok.  I had to revisit this whole world with Anna again to make sure she wanted to continue and she does.  She has 2 seasons left and wants to participate.  3 of them are her soul sisters as they all started together.  But our outlook on this all has changed.  The next 2 years are 100% about having fun, and if medals and trophies are won awesome, but it no longer is going to be the focus.  She is on board with this because she has been there and done that and you know what she is over it.  She will do her best for her team and herself, but knows being #1 isn’t all that matters.  I am proud of her.  So the adventure begins.

As for the parents that left I am over it.  I don’t want to be that parent that is crazy over involved, making it all about winning, over absorbed with the whole culture and not able to see why we are investing in this for our daughter.  But shame on those who switched teams only to show up to our try outs and be placed on teams knowing they weren’t returning.  Grow up and just be honest!

I think it is best to end this post but I will return with more to share as this is a big part of my journey as a mom of 3 daughters.

So today I decided to take my daughter out to run errands with me and have lunch.  She picked me up at work and off we went.  She is my middle daughter….her name is Grace.  Her name is fitting, she is the most thoughtful, caring girl and although she has her teenage moments her heart always prevails.  Ever since she was a little girl she has been concerned with pleasing everyone and avoids hurting feelings at all cost.  The downside to this is that she keeps her feelings held inside.

A few days ago she went to the movie with her sisters and Grandpa and everyone was chirping about her driving, causing huge anxiety and doubt in her skills.  Well today I hopped in the car and from the get go I could tell she was nervous.  After lunch, heading back to work she almost turned left at a traffic light when there were cars going straight.  She didn’t because I said something.  She never would have done this a week ago.  We stopped and the tears were falling.  She felt like, “an idiot”.  I reassured her there was no need to as no one was hurt.  She also needed reminding she is a good driver.  She made it home and just took a bath and very deep breath.

So what I haven’t said is that my daughter has a diagnosis of anxiety which I understand most of the time but struggle at other times to understand.  And today is one of those days.  I will spend the rest of my day reassuring her all is good but I know it will not be enough.  I truly wish I could help her when these moments come.  These are the times when being a parent can be so confusing and trying.  I want to say stop it you are only human like the rest of us and you just have to do your best and not let really inconsequential moments like this take over.  But what I can only do is reassure her and love her and know in a few days this too shall pass.  Such is the way of an Anxiety Disorder.

Oh my little geek (she knows it’s a term of endearment) channel your humor and keep on rolling along.  You are truly a priceless gem and I am so very grateful for you.

Well before I knew it I never got back to writing on my blog.  I don’t know could it be that I didn’t make the time…yes; could it be that work fried me….possibly; could it be that 3 teenage girls have stressed me out….yes; or could it be that I had to make a trip home to my parents for funeral…yes.  No matter the reason here I am.  I had all of the best intentions to jump right in to my blogging but when I went to do it my brain just drew a blank.  I think that it is easy to just overthink about what I am going to write as if there is a right or wrong way as opposed to just sitting down and writing, not really caring what I write because this is mine, no one elses.  In fact I have come to the conclusion that no one else will ever read this so yippee it really doesn’t matter….lol.

Daughter Moment – So a week ago a long time family friend, a beautiful woman/friend of my mom’s that touched my life in many ways passed away.  There are few people that I would truly drive home for their funeral but this was not a question for me.  My siblings and I went over to visit her in January which I am so grateful we did.  She gave us a small gift which I now cherish more than ever because she thought of us.  What I am disappointed about is the fact that I didn’t get my thank you note off despite my mom persistently asking me to do so, and me with all of the good intentions in the world to do it.  Then she had a stroke and within a couple of weeks passed away.  Before she died I sent her son a note and a copy of a picture we took on that visit to share with her and to let her know I was thinking of her and sending my love and prayers.  I know that he shared with her which warms my heart but I still struggle with not doing so before she became ill.  The thing is I know I am not alone in moments and situations like this.  Although I am pretty sure my mom thinks I am….lol.  It isn’t that I’m not thankful, appreciative, touched, etc., etc. but it doesn’t happen because I forget until the ungodly hour of midnight and then forget again by morning.  Surely I am not alone?  But I move on.  In the end I believe she has moved on to a better place and knows I truly was thankful for all the kindness and loved she showed us over the years.  But I truly went home for my mom.

My mom is struggling with losing her friends and the reality of death grows each day.  I knew she needed me to come home so I did.  As did my sister.  Dad was present but he doesn’t hang around for the girl talk…lol.  We went home the night before the funeral and talked until 2am….laughing, talking, sharing about everything and nothing.  I had the best time.  I realized that evening that my days with my mom are getting fewer and fewer and it is in small moments like this that I need to be present.  My mom didn’t try to give me advice and change me (lol) but just enjoyed the moment with us.  Sometimes those boundaries are hard to wade through but I decided I must do better.  Now if I can put it into action…. 🙂

My dad is a funny man.  He is a man of routines and him.  He is definitely a part of a time gone by….lol.  He comes and goes checking in and is so happy to hear us laughing and sharing and being home but he doesn’t need to sit with us and engage for more than a few moments at a time.  But when he does we must focus on him…lol.  God bless my mom.  Now add 80 yrs old and hard of hearing and it’s an epic visit.  I had to laugh to myself.  We all went out for breakfast, but I wore a casual Lularoe shirt with some exercise capris and my ball hat, which he didn’t really like.  He kept saying don’t you want to change your clothes….lol.  Well no I didn’t and you know what I told him just that.  My sister and I had a good laugh thinking about how had I been a teenager or young adult even he would have insisted on my changing and refusing to take me if I didn’t.  But I’m not I am 49 and you know what I am all about being comfortable…lol.

They are funny birds as I like to say.  But they are aging birds and I am going to work on making the journey home more in the coming months and years (hopefully) if my brain allows me to plan and remember further than today.